(Fabulous photo by Jen Lee Photography)
You may recall around two years ago, when I was just starting to adjust to life as the mother of three boys. I made myself a few rules to make me more accepting and effective at my job.
Well, I think I've been doing alright...
- I hardly even flinch at three little bodies storming in the back door covered with mud.
- I actually purchased Nerf guns for the boys and I don't swear (out loud) when a dart hits me in the head at point blank range! (Doug!!!)
- I've ceded the fight to (most) potty words and just let them fly on by unacknowledged.
- I haven't purchased any girl stuff since...well...since Target last month. But the amount has GREATLY DECREASED! GIVE ME A BREAK!!!
With that said, though, I think it's time I made a few more rules. Rules the BOYS need to follow if they want a sane, functioning mom still coherent enough at the end of the day to read a bed time story.
I'm going to limit this list to ten because, lets face it, most people can't even hack all ten of the Ten Commandments. I don't want to push my luck.
Rules For Little Boys Who Want Sane Mothers
I'll start with the most important.
#1. No letting stinkers while sitting on, or near, Mom. I don't even care if you call them farts. Just don't let them in my immediate vicinity. Especially when I'm holding you lovingly on my lap and you let one rip that rattles my bones. (Sorry to use such coarse language, but the subject matter demands it.)
#2. I know you are going to get dirty playing outside in the large mud pit you dug with the neighbor boys. I know you are going to track some (a lot) of that dirt inside. But please, please stop dragging your pitch-black hands along every.single.white.surface. in the house on your way from the back door to the bathtub.
FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY!
#3. I'm glad you have friends. I'm grateful for all the cute little neighbor kids you have to play with. But please don't offer all 50 of them them water and granola bars and then send them into the house--separately--at two minute intervals.
#4. Could we please try to keep the visits to the Vice Principle at a minimum? This type of thing tends to ware on a mother's parenting self-esteem.
#5. Please quit telling everyone about my parenting indiscretions. Or I'll tell everyone that YOU pick your nose!
#6 There will be no more licensed "Lightning McQueen/Cars" clothing after the age of five, Sammy. I have my limits. Start getting used to the idea.
#7. There will be no more help with wiping your bum after the age of five, Sammy. I have my limits. Start getting used to the idea.
#7a. And while we're on the subject, ALL BOYS MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE LEAVING THE BATHROOM!!! I don't care if you didn't get pee-pees on them. JUST DO IT!!!
#8 Must you let your personality deteriorate so severely after being weened from the binky? I mean, first Sam, now Gabe! It's only a binky! It's not Prozac! You can still be happy without it!!!
(sorry. That wasn't really a rule.)
real #8 No fighting in the car. We will pull over and make you walk. We've done it before, we'll do it again.
#9 No complaining about gifts or I'll take them back and I WONT feel the slightest bit guilty!
#10 I am allowed to listen to something other than the HSM sound track and Scripture Scouts in your presence. Yes, I am. YES I AM!!!
Okay, two more "bonus rules". But really, more like helpful hints! I can't help myself. (I'll bet Moses got a few too, he just forgot to write them down.)
#11. If you bite me, I'll bite you back. I just decided that right this second. Don't test me. I'll do it.
#12. Don't repeat yourself more than ten times. If I haven't answered or acknowledged you by number ten, you can be assured I've tuned you out and I'm not listening. Got it? (HEY! Did you hear that? LISTEN TO ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU!!!)
Well, that should do it. I'm confident now that these rules have been established things will start running a lot more smoothly around here!
I've just got to get this list engraved in stone--or maybe cross stitched into a Sampler--for display on the wall.
Wish me luck!