Mar 1, 2007

I'm Only Writing This For YOU!

WARNING! I got a little carried away today and after reading this post had the thought pop into my head 'never has so much been written about so little.' Don't say I didn't warn you!

My sister-in-law recently mentioned that blogs are mostly "about being conceited". I couldn't help but feel dismayed and a little put-out! After all, the sole purpose of my blog is to serve humanity with my witty insights and well thought-out prose!

I can't really help it if my children are extremely adorable (and perfectly well-behaved) and my husband is perfect in every way and I'm a genius. Can I? I also can't be blamed if most of my blog topics revolve around "yours truly". After all, writers are supposed to 'write what they know' and I know me better than anyone!

I think this proves that my blog, at least, is published solely for the betterment of the human race and I'll leave it at that.

Now I'd like to move on to my topic for today's post: My belly-button.

I used to have THE perfect belly button. If you were to look up "perfect belly button" in the dictionary, it's likely you wouldn't find anything. But if you WERE to find something, it would be a picture of me. Baring my perfect navel.

What made it so beautiful and awe inspiring? I'll tell you. It was the perfect "inny". Gently sloping sides leading to a perfectly flat basin. Not too big, not too small. Just a perfect little bowl shape. It didn't collect lint, didn't have any unsightly nooks or crannies and never resembled anything the least bit distasteful. Like I said - perfect.

That was before. Before my first pregnancy. It was during that long-ago 9 month gestation period that something horrible happened. My belly button changed! It started to stretch out. Gone were the perfectly sloped sides! Now it had doubled in width and drastically decreased in depth! Around 8 months it appeared as though I had no belly button at all! It was practically a smooth surface and had all but ceased to exist. But that wasn't the end of its gross transformation. Occasionally, I would look down to see it POKING OUT! Yes! That's right! I started developing an "OUTY"!!!

Now, if you, Gentle Reader, happen to have the afore mentioned disfigurement, I can only say, I feel your pain and hope that a lifetime of dealing with the disgrace has hardened you a little to the cruel tricks fate plays on us. I, though, was totally unprepared for the blow to my self-esteem.

People said it would go back to normal after the baby came and I clung to that thread of hope. Alas, it's true shape never again re-appeared.

Now, years later, I'm pregnant with my third son and the continuous stretching and morphing of my midsection barely even phases me. But I admit, there are times I look at my navel with regret, NAY longing, for what once was...

But I soldier on, hopeful that one day science will provide a cure, or that the passing of time will at least dull the pain of my memories. In the mean time though, I hope my sharing of this tragedy will touch your heart and convince you that even the best of us have our Achilles Heel. May you take comfort in that fact. That's my selfless gift to you.


Jenni said...

very well said, it is a sad tale of the belly button that once was...i miss mine the way it used to be too, not fair.

Anonymous said...

Emily, you are right, the human race is a better species today because of what you have written on your blog. I find your entries to be both meaningful and insightful. Anyway, I'm off to blog about how I threw up at the gym today, talk to you soon.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain know the anguish of grieving over the lost belly button. Alas, I used to think I held the coveted perfect belly button catagory, however I know I've truly lost that perfectness because Nate has even commented on how cute my belly button USED to be. :(

Linz said...

You will never appreciate the loss of the perfect belly button. My own BB is very small, usually, but now is streched to the limit and is moments away from the dreaded "flip". Hump. I feel your pain girl.
Oh, and your blog rocks.

Anonymous said...

UHM! May your belly-button explode! J/K I think my beauty edifies all! and the joy others feel when they visit my conceited blog overwhelms all who visit. Just ask President Samuelson.

Anonymous said...

I do believe that you were the one who wanted to have kids so stop whining about your flabby, sagging, wrinkly, hairy, slimy, smelly belly button. After all, you'll get it back in the resurrection. No worries!

Anonymous said...

Ha ha! Love this post!!

I had a sad belly button moment the other day. I'm 4 weeks from delivering my second baby and my two year old daughter caught sight of my belly the other morning. She pointed to my belly button and said with awe,
"What's that?"
"It's my belly button."
"No. It's not."

I couldn't convince her that the weird lumpy thing popping out of my midsection was at all related to her perfect little innie. It was a bad moment for my self esteem.

G said...

All belly buttons are ugly. Except Heidi Klum's.

Emily said...

This was truly a fantastic piece of writing. Bravo and thanks for the laugh.