Jul 15, 2009

Jenny Jenny Bo-Benny!!!

Dear Readers,

In a few short days I'll get to see my sister Jenny. You may remember when I introduced my family here. But if you don't, I'll refresh your memory. Jenny is the sibling I'm closest to in age. She's number 4, I'm number 5.

Jenny is coming to town for the same reason I'm here: to attend the farewell (at church) for my mom who's going on an 18 month service mission to the Dominican Republic with her husband John.

"What's that?" you say "I thought Fae wasn't going anymore?!?!?!?" Well, she wasn't. She had a health scare and didn't think she could/should go. But then she got better. So they called the mission office. And the mission is back on. Same Bat Time, Same Bat Channel. But that's not what we're talking about today. I want to talk about Jenny. (My sister, you'll remember.)

Aside from being a great writer (who should have her own blog) Jenny is...
um...
how shall I put this...
...a "Security Phobe".
"Careful about her Internet Identity,"
"Stalker Conscious"!
(Unlike her little sister the blabber mouth.)

So, although I'd like to tell you more about her, I can't. Not where she lives, not her childrens names. I can tell you she lives in America. And that she's coming to Utah in a few days. (Wait, can I say that?)

The rest? Well, see what you can learn from her Guest Post! Lovingly provided a week or two ago when I told her I had Blog-Writer's-Block (Writers Blogck) (Obviously, it went away) and begged for a witty submission. (She writes hilarious e-mails when the fancy strikes her.) This is the result:
*drumroll*
Please Give a Warm Welcome to...
JENNY LASTNAMEWITHHELD!!!!!
*whistles from the audience*

Deep Thoughts and Dogs

You know the old saying that dogs are a man's best friend? Well, dogs are no friends of mine. I do not like them at all.
No, I don't appreciate or enjoy their smell, their slobbery, sticky tongues, their constantly shedding fur, their evil looking teeth (they all have them you know....just look in their sinister mouths and you'll see), their especially rambunctious characters (or even the sedate lazy ones), their insistence on sniffing here, there, and everywhere during which they ALWAYS take the liberty of slobbering, licking, and shedding their annoying hair all over you.

In fact, don't even get me started on unleashed dogs in public! Oh, or the extremely annoying chorus of barking dogs I hear all night, every night outside my closed window (People, take your blasted dogs inside if they are going to bark ALL NIGHT long!). I could go on...

Now all you dog lovers out there, please understand that I didn't always hate dogs. (And also please note that I hate cats MORE (much, much more) than I hate dogs.)

As a child I loved to hold the neighbor's little puppies and even loved to hold the neighbor's cat. (For anyone who knows me, please sit down and use your inhaler for the shock of this last statement since you haven't seen an animal in my hands or arms or vicinity for years!) I even tried to dress my friend's cat in little doll clothes and hold and cuddle it. I tried this with the puppies too, but with less success.
Now after doing these sweet loving things with the little animals I wanted to adore like babies, my eyes would swell shut, hives erupted on my skin, my nose started the incessant drip (out the nose and post nasal baby), my lungs wheezed, and everything itched.

Then came the Benadryl,

and then darkness,

and then sleep.

Yes, allergies plagued me as a child (and unfortunately still do). Not just allergies to dogs and cats, but also to dust, grass, hay, etc.

Animals were just especially bad allergens for me. My nose was always running. I remember having to use those hard brown paper towels at school to blow my nose (all of the time) until it was raw. The kids called me Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (all the time).

I had people tell me they had hypoallergenic dogs, really really clean dogs, dogs that didn't shed, and so on. But still....the intolerable running, dripping, suffocating, itching madness of it all!

So, over the years I learned to resent the drool, the hair, the dander, the danger! I knew they were ALL out to ruin me!

That is until just this week. After all of these years, I have finally found a dog that I love. A dog that doesn't cause any reaction in me whatsoever, except pure joy! A dog that truly is hypoallergenic, that does not--nor will--ever drool. A dog that smells melodiously delicious and delectable. A dog that will never try to sniff me. A dog that will never chew the couch or my children or me.
A truly PERFECT DOG.
I had three all at once.....

and then we ate them.*
Love,
Jenny

* Please use common sense before consuming dogs. The dogs consumed in this case were cup cakes and not "real" dogs.
Thanks J-bird! Love you!!!
Editor's Note: No dogs were harmed in the making of this blog.

7 comments:

Linz said...

That looks like the perfect dog to me! Thanks for the funny post Jenny (if that is your real name...)

Amber Lynae said...

Great post Jenny! I have allergies as well but yours sound MUCH worse than mine. Although I would not mind having some of your new found dogs over for dinner.

Not the Biggest Loser said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Michelle said...

YUMMY! We need to make us some of those doggies! :) Ok so seriously re-email the details for your mama's farewell...yes, we are coming and Yes, mostly to hear you sing, but of course also to see Faye! And sorry I didn't send P with Anna, Anna couldn't promise that she would even attempt to get Miss P to you, that she, in fact, wanted her all to herself. So since I had no guarantee that she would ever reach you or that I would ever get her back, I declined the offer...sorry luv. But we will be there all day Sunday so you can love her as much as you can fit in! oxoxoxo

Catherine said...

Yea Jenny!! I love reading your little sister's blog - she's very funny - but Jenny, it's so good to hear from you too!! Please, be a guest more often!
Your darling cuz Catherine

Lizzy said...

Hilarious post! Thanks for sharing. I too am not a dog lover. What cracks me up is people with dogs think that EVERYONE should love their dog as much as they do! I don't expect you to love my child. I don't let my child chase you down the street screaming and yelling. I don't let my child lick you. And I don't let my child crap in your yard. Please have the same respect.

**end rant**

*good thing you we're the guest-poster and not me!

Bartimaeus said...

Do those have cow milk in them? I'm allergic!