A Tale of Two Cities. The Highlights. Part 3.

Woke up to a text from my sister Jay-Bird in Abu Dhabi. She wanted to know what the boys DID love about two of her favorite cities on earth. Fair question. I realize my last two posts weren't the happiest representation of our trip.

Now for some of the many HAPPY MEMORIES!!! The stuff you think about after you've forgotten the fights over cell-phone usage!

Our hotel was super modern and had an awesome foosball table.
Fun to see the boys playing together happily.

This modern egg thing is super cool...

...until your brother comes and spins it against your will.

First views of Paris from Max and Sam's room.
They had their own room the first leg.

Our first night in France, we found a restaurant specializing in food from central France. Many items were served with "Aligot". Max ordered the Duck Breast with Aligot. They brought out the duck, and then dumped a whole sauce pan full of Aligot on top. Turns out, Aligot is sorta like cheese fondue mixed with mashed potatoes. Max doesn't like fondue or mashed potatoes. So he ate the delicious duck breast, and Doug and I happily ate the Aligot with bread. Soooooo yummy!!! Win/win.

Bravely trying, and loving, French Onion Soup.

Looked good. Tasted great.

Max bravely tried Duck Breast with Aligot. 

No one can resist a teeter-totter but we may have scared some children

Handsome devil!

Are we really here? Is this really happening??

Visting the Eiffel Tower on our first night was pretty surreal. We were all a little jet-lagged and astounded that we were actually in France, eating French food, watching French people French kiss, and looking up at the Eiffel Tower together. It was really cool.

Sam found this PDA hilarious and outrageous.
Max found the dudes shoes hilarious and outrageous.

The first platform 

On a side note, it's also possible that some paper air planes were thrown from the top of said Eiffel Tower, but I can neither confirm nor deny.

The top has a wire cage around it which is why I can handle my kids being at the top without puking.

"Look at that aerodynamic piece of paper spiraling down to the ground." 

FIRST CREPE!

Sharing was not going to happen. We all got our own.

More PDA. More speculation about whether they were actually French Kissing.

Monday Schedule:
Our first full day started with the breakfast buffet at the hotel. Racks of fresh pastries with Nutella made everyone very happy. (The second morning we discovered the hot milk and French Nesquik which is way better than American Nesquik. So, so good. Wish I brought a pound or two home.)

The first day we ate everything and then slowly tapered off
to normal human-sized meals the next few breakfasts.

After breakfast:
Notre Dame (Super cool up on the roof.)

Trying to get a peak at the pealing bells.

"Those boys are good eggs."

Shakespeare and Company Bookstore (Where Sam petted a cat and Max played the piano and Sam bought "The Princess Bride".)
Sainte-Chapelle where the glass made us gasp.

Sainte Chapelle was BEAUTIFUL!!!

The Louvre was hot and crowded but Mona greeted us with her enigmatic smile unperturbed. Boys were pretty good sports and happy to explore!

Selfies!!

Max's favorite's from the Louvre

Give a lady some room to breathe!

Fancy French dinner where the boys tried Escargot in order to earn crepes for dessert.

Both Sam and Max ate Escargot! Great job boys!!!

"I guess it was worth it..." So we got crepes and then on the way home we got more crepes.

Tuesday Schedule:
Max and Doug took a French pastry cooking class, LOVED IT, and had a great time.
Sam and I explored a sorta lame museum but still enjoyed ourselves.
Sam did NOT want to have an art lesson with me in the Renoir gardens, but I forgave him because he was sweet and smiley about it.

This delicious pastry was made by my 15 year old! Great work Max!!

Met back up to explore...
Sacré-Cœur! (Bought our souvenir Nativity. Only two figures this time. 1 Joseph 2. Mary holding Jesus.)

Such a cool building!

(Boys bought fidget spinners on the steps.)

Ubered to Versailles.
{UBER IS AMAZING AND SO EASY TO USE AND SAVED MY ACHING FEET SO MANY TIMES!!!}
Versailles is ALSO amazing and super cool to look around. We rented a golf cart to explore the grounds and let Max drive a little. He was disappointed it only went about 3.2 mph.

Quick food stop: "We'll take one of each please."

Walked to the brand new Paris L.D.S. Temple

This glass in the visitor's center was so darn pretty. We loved looking around this peaceful place!

The grounds were just as pretty as the building.

Ubered back to hotel
Sent the boys out for dinner crepes, and took ourselves to a yummy Italian place.
(Spied on boys to make sure they made it to crepe stand safely.)

Wednesday Schedule:

Woke up late and missed our train to London (via Chunnel) by about 10 minutes. (Didn't know you had to check in 30 mins early...)

Had a two hour delay, but made it just in time for...

High Tea at "The Orangery"

(The boys actually liked my Raspberry Tea...! and we all liked the dainty finger sandwiches.)

Sam was so excited to see a real British phone booth. And then a double-decker bus drove by.
The gleeful exclamations were awesome.

Relaxed and walked in Kensington Gardens after visiting Diana's Memorial garden

Soaking in London

"I'll use this for my cover shot."

Made our way to the fun, bustling Covent Garden
Watched Agatha Christie's "The Mouse Trap". The boys loved it and didn't guess who the murderer was! Win!!
Ate dessert after the show at an Italian place I visited on my last trip.

Thursday Schedule:
Big Red Bus Tour
Hopped off at The Tower of London

This guy told a cool story about when he attempted to steal
the crown jewels and nearly got away with them...

Took a Thames river boat tour.
It dropped us off at Houses of Parliament and Big Ben
Barely missed being able to go in Westminster Abbey
Went to Buckingham Palace and saw ladies in hats going in for a garden party.
Hopped on bus to Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese where Samuel Johnson spent time writing the first dictionary. Ate yummy pub food there and finally discovered what Bubble and Squeak is.
Saw Les Miserables. Kept us all on the edge of our seats. The boys LOVED it but Sam was a little shocked at how sad it is. He wasn't familiar with the story at all before hand, but loved the music.

We loved walking around lively Piccadilly Circus after the show.

Friday Schedule:
Straight to Kings Cross Station where we grabbed some pastries from stalls outside before checking out Platform 9 3/4. Doug and the boys made it through, I did not.

Tube to Paddington then Train to Windsor to see the queens weekend residence.
We met with our friends the Harrises who used to leave near us in Carlsbad. They drove about four hours to meet up with us--with 5 kids in the car! Now THAT is friendship.

Went on a beautiful river cruise.

Explored a used book store. (And came out weighing about 50 extra pounds.)
Spent the afternoon taking in the charming town.

Had a picnic and spent the afternoon enjoying and relaxing Eton and had such a lovely day!

Made it back to London in time to grab a quick bite and buy last minute tickets to see...

Mamma Mia!!
It was so so fun. The boys love ABBA and the movie Mamma Mia so they knew all the songs. They had to adjust to the crowd clapping along, but we all totally loved it.

Saturday Schedule:

Our last morning in London.

Woke up and found a fun little place for breakfast.

Headed to the Sherlock Holmes museum. (But only went to the gift shop 'cause that place is ex.pen.sive.)

Ubered to The London Eye and checked the last thing off of Max's London To Do List.(So very cool to see London from above.)

Train via Chunnel back to Paris. (Getting out of town a few hours before the London Bridge terrorist attack.)

Checked back into the same hotel. 

Met up with our Monacan friend Ugo and his friend Juliette at an amazing restaurant. The best meal ever to end our awesome trip. The boys tried: Seared duck foie gras, AND Knife-cut Charolais steak tartare. What incredibly brave teens! I was so impressed with them!

And then we all had one more crepe...

Sunday Schedule:
Ate one last buffet breakfast. Sadly, I could only manage hot chocolate and Mueslix. Too much gluttony early in the week.
Made it to Charles De Gaulle in plenty of time. Only to have an unclaimed backpack clear our terminal and make us almost miss our flight.
I mean, we were five minutes away from missing our flight people. SO GLAD WE DIDN'T MISS OUR FLIGHT. Or, ya know, get blown up. Also glad that didn't happen.

Finally made it home to our sweet baby boys Sunday night around 7p.m.
And there was much rejoicing! Yaaaaaaay!

Special thanks to our amazing niece for taking such good care of my boys and being so darn fun and nice. I promise you'll like kids again one day. Give it a few months.

Many thanks to Business Credit Card points for completely covering our 4 round trip tickets.

And MAJOR thanks to our amazing friends The Harrises and Ugo and his friend Juliette for traveling hours to see us. You made our trip so much better!! We love you guys.

We had an amazing trip and are so grateful we had the opportunity to take our boys with us. I hope they'll remember it forever and forgive us for taking the games off their phones.

Cheers!!

Dub Travails. I mean Travels. Part 1

Doug and I just got back from a pretty big, pretty epic trip to Europe. When we started out (and I immediately started overgramming) it became imperative to pick the perfect hashtag. Something to use on all our Instas so that post-trip ChatBooking would be a breeze. Doug came up with #DubTravels. But my mind kept switching it to #DubTravails. I could NOT quit reading it as #DubTravails. So I made him switch it to #DubAdventures.

You see, we took two teenagers with us. (Truth in blogging: One is 12  years 11 months. But close enough.) I wrote this post on two separate occasions while in Europe but thought I would percolate on it a bit before publishing. Doug says it's too negative and only talks about the bad stuff. He's right. The annoying stuff is way more fun to write about. We actually DID have an amazing trip and even these *ehem* painful memories are starting to fade leaving only the good stuff. All the more reason to record this. (Truth in Blogging again!)

tra.vail

noun

1. painful or laborious effort.

synonyms: ordeal, trial, tribulation, trouble, hardship, privation, stress

Three weeks ago
---

The thing about traveling with kids is, because you are going out of your way to entertain them in an extraordinary way--usually at great expense--you assume their fundamental personalities will fundamentally alter the minute you set foot outside your house.

But they don't. 

If your kids were a couple of turds before your trip to Disneyland, odds are, if there is any standing or waiting* involved (which there obviously will be because I said Disneyland) their innate turdiness will come out. 

(*And by "standing and waiting" I mean anything that isn't riding a high speed roller coaster. Turns out, this is true even in Europe when roller coasters aren't even an option.)

Such has been the case on what should be the most epic vacation of Max and Sam's relatively short lives. 

Now, because we were in the Airforce stationed in Japan for three years, these kids have been on some cool vacations. But, due to their young ages when we lived over-seas, or possibly their obstreperous personalities, all the details of former trips are fuzzy or forgotten all together. 

It might seem like I'm calling a lot of names here, but that's because I am on vacation with my kids.

Currently, we are in Paris, France. This is my third visit. Doug's second, and Maxwell and Samuel's first visit. 

It was on my last trip (Doug's first) that Paris became one of my favorite cities in all the world. Sure, I haven't been to all the cities in all the world, but I'm assuming most people agree with me on Paris superiority based on the lines we've encountered thus far. 

We arrived yesterday and here are some of the things that have already dripped from my ruby lips:

Stop shoving him.

Stop touching him.

Stop teasing him.

Stop.

Just stop!!

No.

No, you need to wait.

OBVIOUSLY NOT!

Just wait.

Get off that.

Dont open that.

Stop that!

Open that back up!
Be careful!
Watch out!
You're knocking people over with your backpack!!!

Why would you do that?

Slow down.
Come back!

SLOW DOWN!!!

Hurry.

Hurry up.
Catch up!!

HURRRRRRRYYYYY!!!

"Those kids are such big turds."

Here are some things I've heard from my little angels in response:

Ugh.
Ughhhhaaaaaaaahhhh!
Why can't I play a game?
It's fine!
Can I have my phone back? 
Just to take a picture, I'm not going to play a game. 
Why can't I play a game in this line?
Please? 
Why? 
But this is so boring. 
Why? 
Why? 
That's so dumb! 
WHY?!?

 Speaking of games, smart phones, as I think we all realize, are a huge blessing and an even huge-er curse. 

Max just recently inherited my old iPhone six which means Sam inherited my even older (first smart phone ever!), iPhone 4. 
It has about a 24 minute battery life and can support 3 different games that are so out of date they still run. 

Obviously, because we are us, these phones are heavily restricted and regulated. Max has limits on ages, ratings, and maturity levels. As well as no access to the internet nor the ability to install or even uninstall apps. 

Sam's phone is just too old and slow to be fun so it self limits a lot. 

However, this doesn't stop these phones from being more addictive than {insert a highly addictive drug of your choice} to a {insert susceptible consumer of your choice.} 

{Being a Mormon with no experience in these things, I would pick maybe binky and baby which lacks sufficient literary umpfh--which is why I leave it to you...}

For the first two days of our trip, they were pulling their phones out every spare second. 

"Oh, we're in a line?" Phone. 

"Dad stopped to look at a map?" Phone.

"I'm not on a high speed roller coaster--just at the top of the Eiffel tower? So lame!" Phone.

Talks, turning to lectures, turning to threats, didn't work. Phones kept coming out for "pictures" and staying out for games. I'm not trying to be a jerk, I just think maybe the games can wait and they should take in the scenery on their first (and last) trip to Europe!

To be continued..PART 2

Dub Travails Part 2

#DubTravails Part II
Continued from HERE

Which brings us to today.

(Two days later)

Today we took a train to London. 

At the train station, with a 90 minute wait ahead of us, I made them put away their phones. 

"Let's talk! Or play Uno! Or you can read your books...!"

---------

At this point, if you are an anti-smart phone parent, you are thinking what bad parents we are for letting our kids have a phone at all. You're thinking, "It's their own fault the kids are brats! They shouldn't have given them phones in the first place! My little Johnny read War and Peace on our trip to Russia and didn't utter a peep!"

If you are a pro-smart-phones-for-kids parent, you are thinking what bad parents we are for being control freaks and limiting our kids free-will and hampering their ability to make their own choices. You're probably thinking we could make things a lot more pleasant for everyone, including all of the residents of Europe, if we just give the teenagers their stinkin' phones back. You're thinking  "When our son (also coincidentally called little Johnny) went to Six Flags, he was Snap-Chatting the whole time and didn't make a peep! So what if he left with a date he found on Tinder!? He was QUIET!!"

----------

You'll be pleased to know, you're both right. 

We are literally the worst fence-sitters, 

and parents, 

ever.

In the history of the world. 

We know it, 
     our kids definitely know it. 

Just ask 'em.

---------------

So at long last, we board the train (did I mention we missed our train  cause we all slept in and this is the two-hours-later train? Yes. That happened.)

At this point, I've already taken away Sam's phone. He got bored and started playing a game during no game time. 

Now, I confiscate Max's phone. 

"Mom, no! 

Mom, why?! 

Mom, please!!!!

Mom, PLEASE! 

MOM, PLEASE!!!!!!!!"

I was an impenetrable beacon of strength and resolve.
"NO! You WILL look around and notice something on this trip! Even if it kills you!!!"

So they tried to break Doug. He was noticeably weakening and therefore had to abdicate all parenting decisions to me. 

(Insert visual of a tired old Antelope being singled out of the herd by a pair of adolescent lions uncharacteristically cooperating and hunting together with a single Eat-the-Antelope goal...the antelope was so tired from migrating with his kids he probably welcomed the lions...)

The phones were confiscated and the boys given two card games, and their books, and sent to sit down. 

They refused to actually play the games as a form of passive resistance and were forced to read and look out the windows and explore the train. 

I took plenty of pictures of them on my phone so they can later have a record that this painful chapter in their lives was a reality and not some hellish nightmare.  

"This is a hellish nightmare!"

Amazingly, somehow, they managed to survive.

And they may have seen a few glimpses of the Paris countryside.

I say they'll thank me later. 

Doug says they never will.

Either way, I'm calling it a win. 

The "Compass/Level" App can be used in place of a game when in a pinch.

I guess everything in the world doesn't suck.

What do they expect from me? Mr. Bean is my real father.

So the question is: was this entire trip a terrible mistake? Should we have left the little boogers home and brought friends instead?!?! 

Another train ride without cell phone games. They seem to have weathered the storm.

Yes, absolutely. 

Wait, 
     I mean no! A resounding NO!

These kids may not have transformed into perfect angels. And Doug and I haven't (yet) turned into paragons of perfectly patient parents. 

But we are still having fun, and making memories.  

And hopefully, one day, the painful parts will fade, and only the fun stuff will remain...for Doug and I. 

And, ya know...for the kids too.
;)

That's all for now. Cheers and Bonjour!
--

Farewell dinner with our friend Ugo.

Two weeks later:
P.S. We really did have a great trip...and I'm pretty sure Max lets me hug him for 3 seconds now as opposed to the former 1.5 seconds, soooooooo...worth it!!

P.P.S. My mom HATED the word "turd". It was as bad as any swear word--possible worse--in our house growing up. But to me it's the little poop emoji with the smiley face. Totally innocuous and endearing. Who doesn't love the smiley poop emoji??

P.P.P.S. Sorry Mom. Yes, I AM ashamed of myself. Yes, I know I should be more lady-like. Uggghhhhhhaaahhhh!

P.P.P.P.S Would you like the positive version of the trip? Here ya go!!

When Someone You Love Gets a Terminal Illness

This is the comment my cousin left (on Facebook) on my last blog post re: teenagers.

"Marie G. A. You are one of the best, most human and funniest writers I have read, and I have read a lot - no answers for you - just not to give up, while they're yelling at you, inside they know you are right and you love them, but they're a mess. Teenagers' brains don't function real well in some lobes which I forget, gets better by 20's. Your mom is sympathizing every minute, and staying close."

First of all, that was a really nice compliment. Secondly, Marie is super funny. Thirdly, reminding me that my mom is on the other side helping me, made me a little teary.

A very short time later, on Monday, February 27th, Marie died of complications from breast cancer.

Which was pretty heartbreaking.

And, of course, got me thinking of my Mom dying.
Which sucked and still sucks.

#CancerSucks

{Or as her daughter aptly put it at Marie's funeral: "Cancer sucks balls!!!" Which made me chuckle inwardly. (Bouncy balls, obviously.)}

Quite frankly, my mom dying is something I never stop thinking about.

See, I have all these mild to moderate regrets. Most of all, I just regret that I didn't bleed her for information every minute of every day.

Here are some questions I would ask her if I could talk to her right now. (There are about a billion more where these came from.)

What was it like when Karie turned 13 and you had your first teenager? What did you worry about? What was unexpected? Did you feel like you had any leverage or control of the situation at all, or did you feel completely crazy-train and powerless like me?

How do you get the meringue not to bleed on the Peanut Butter Pie?

What was the first book you remember reading as a kid and what did you like to read growing up? And as an adult?

What was your favorite type of ethnic food? (I already know it's Mexican, just want to hear you say it.) Second favorite?

Tell me about all of your very best friends.

What age did you get breast cancer the first time? My OB really wants to know.

How did you find the lump again...? I can't remember the story. I know it has to do with your best friend Maureen getting breast cancer at the same time. Can you tell me the story again?

How did you keep the house clean when we were little?

How did you fill your time when I went to school?

Do you regret not working in illustration longer?

How did you stay motivated to cook those big dinners for us every night?
(Alternately, did you know when it was just the two of us and we had "cereal night" or those tiny thin-cut fried pork chops that those are really happy memories for me?)

And how did you get yourself up to make us breakfast every morning when you had six young kids?

What was the best trip you ever took and what was your favorite country?

---
I also regret not asking hard questions.

If the situation were to repeat itself, I would be more prepared.

I would have gotten her to plan her funeral.
Who she wanted to speak-- and sing-- and which hymns were her favorites?

{Did you know my siblings fought while planning her funeral? 
Well, now everyone knows.
Yep, we fought. 
It wasn't pretty.
It was pretty ugly.
We're all strong-willed and opinionated and we were stressed and shattered.
No one should have to fight over the hymn you sing at your mothers funeral. Your mother should have that written down.}

What about legal and financial records? Where are they? What do I need to know?
---
I regret not recording her more.

Sure, maybe it's technically illegal and very NSA-esque, but why didn't I record every phone call I ever made to her? Why didn't I sit down and press record every single time we saw each other in person. I recorded her singing a few songs, but why didn't I record her SINGING EVERY SINGLE SONG EVER WRITTEN?!?! Or at least every song ever written or sung by Anne Murray. That probably would have sufficed. She loved Anne Murray and they have the same vocal range.

I regret that I didn't find ways for her to put her handprint on more tangible items. I did try to get her to make my unborn baby a quilt, but by that time, it was too late. Turns out when you're dying you don't necessarily feel up to quilting. But now every scrap of paper with her handwriting, every note, every recipe card, every photograph is a treasure.

Painting mom's nails before she died

{Sidenote: A few weeks ago I was cleaning out Max's room. I found Grandpa Warners old non-functioning "Nook" electronic reader. (the Barnes and Noble version of a Kindle.) I asked Max if we could recycle it. He said no. All of the sudden I had a flash of understanding. He wasn't keeping it hoping to get it fixed and use it. He was keeping it because it belonged to his Grandpa. A useless electronic brick and he didn't want to give it up. I told him, "This isn't how you remember Grandpa. You have his (neck) ties for that. You can let this go." And he did.}

Now when I hear that someone has terminal cancer, first, I feel horribly sad for what they are all about to go through. Next, I send some prayers their way. And finally, I want to go to their children and yell in their faces: "RECORD EVERYTHING! PHOTOGRAPH EVERYTHING! TAKE A MILLION PICTURES! ASK A MILLION QUESTIONS! HAVE THEM PLAN THE FUNERAL!!!!!!!"

But I don't.
And if I did, the person being yelled at probably wouldn't listen.
(Aside from being annoyed at the yelling.)
Because maybe they will get better!
And because it's awkward.
And uncomfortable.
And sometimes even if you do bring up funeral arrangements, maybe the person doesn't want to talk about it or think about it or deal with it.

I don't blame them.

But maybe you can show them this post written by a woman whose heart broke into a million pieces when her mom died and now treasures a note written in the front of a cookbook: "Emily, you'll do just great! Love, Mom"

And maybe they'll be motivated to fill out one of those cheesy "Tell Me Your Story" books you can find on Amazon.
Or make a recording reading a favorite book or singing a favorite song or lullaby.
Or pass on some hand-written recipes cards.
Or even just write a quick, handwritten note.

Maybe they wont. That's okay too.
But if they do, you'll be so glad they did!

Either way--you have my love and sympathy and all the universal good vibes I can muster and send your way!

Good luck,

Emily

Teenage Weirdness

There is this weird thing happening around here and it's really making me stop and take stock every few days...

I have a teenager.

A teenager who has just, in the last six months or so, turned surly. There is no other word for it. He is super,
duper,
SURLY!

And I have a 12-year-old who is entering the "question-everything-and-argue-for-the-sake-of-arguing" phase.

TWO!
Two boys who are in the throws of hormonal calamity.
Constant mood upheaval and fluctuation. Doug says he doesn't think he can handle it.
He's only here half the time.

It's just really weird watching all of these super cliche stereotypes happen before my eyes!
Let's take the eldest. He doesn't want me to touch him any more. No more hugs.
Unless he's in a *rare* good mood while also needing some attention. Then he'll come curl up with me on the couch or start trying to bait me into wrestling him. He's discovered that for the first time in his life, he's stronger than an adult and he loves getting a chance to stretch those muscles. (Me. I'm the adult. So that's not saying much because I'm super wimpy.)

Also, both boys are officially calling me on my hypocrisy. I mean, I always knew it would happen one day. You can only get away with constantly contradicting yourself as a parent for just so long before someone notices.

{Here's a good example: Me: "STOP YELLING AND TALK TO YOUR BROTHER NICELY!!!" with rage in my eyes and spit flying from my lips...
Or, another common theme: "Quit being so obsessed with devices! Go do something productive!!! *Glances down at phone and clicks on IG for 18th time...*}

 And then there's #2.

"Why do I have to go to bed early?"
"It's not early. It's 9:30."
"That's super early! I'M NOT EVEN TIRED!!!"
"Listen mister, I know you're just being argumentative because..."
"JUST BECAUSE YOU READ SOME STUPID ARTICLE ON PARENTING YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING AND YOU DON'T! I'M *NOT* TIRED AND I DO NOT HAVE TO GO TO BED!!!"
"Hey, I'm not saying this because of an article..."
"YES YOU ARE! EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS FROM A STUPID ARTICLE!"
"Listen, you're body needs rest..."
"YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT AND IT'S *NOT* TRUE!!!

I feel like most of the time I can handle these interactions okay.
Right up until I can't. (Uh, let's just say 4-6pm before eating isn't my best time.)
And then I "Hulk Out" and go full-on ballistic.

I've tried to analyze my melt-downs after-the-fact so that I can avoid them in the future. A few common triggers I've notice for above average personal melt-downs are these:

*Senseless acts of violence perpatrated by a bored brother onto a super whiny brother. *Screaming ensues*
*Asking "Why" for the 18th time after I've already told him why. (Always followed by "But that doesn't make any sense." Even when it makes perfect sense.)
*Being disrespectful to Dad. (Alternately, Doug is not super happy with them being disrespectful to me.)
*Child yelling, in my face, for the 87th time, "THAT'S NOT FAIR". (I never said it was fair. It might not be fair. BUT FAIR IS NOT THE POINT! NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE BLEEPING FAIR!!!)
*And did I already say "Repeating myself for the 94th time."?? I don't like repeating myself. I repeat, I DO NOT LIKE REPEATING MYSELF! ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS PERFECTLY CLEAR THE FIRST TIME! ARE WE CLEAR?!? I THOUGHT I WAS CLEAR!
Or do you need to hear it one more time...??

But that's just life with kids, right? They're never perfectly well-behaved and then they become teens and things get kicked up into a new realm of hormones, angst, and baffling insecurities swirled with feelings of super-human superiority.
So I try to remember that I was a teen once. I did stupid and reckless things. I fought and yelled and honest-to-goodness absolutely believed I knew more than every adult in my life, and I still somehow managed to grow into a relatively productive member of society. (I said productive. I won't throw around terms like "well-adjusted" or "normal", but I have produced five humans and that's not nothin'.)

So after the disagreements. And fights. And complete nuclear meltdowns,
I walk away,
and regroup,
maybe eat my feelings a little bit,
pray for strength and patience and help for the billionth time,
apologize if needed,
--even when it's not wanted--
and wake up ready to do it all again.

Heaven help me. Heaven help all humans living in the same house as a teenager.

Amen.

P.S. I wrote this a few weeks ago and never pushed "publish" because it doesn't feel finished. I don't have a strong conclusion because, well, I don't have a strong conclusion. I don't actually have a real life answer on how to fix this, or make it better, or any profound insights or conclusions or anything. Can bloggers even write posts that don't offer super definite answers and/or polarizing advice any more? Is it even legal? Regardless, I'll leave it up to those of you with more wisdom and older children. Help me out. How does this story end?

P.P.S. If you know my eldest in real life, how 'bout we don't mention this post to him and just keep it between us. He's still mad at me for trying to hug him earlier.