Sun March 2nd Brandons Bday
I had nightmares again last night
I have had nightmares approximately three times. The night I found out Laura had a mass, the night I found out the mass was cancer, and last night.
I feel like every other night I'm not dreaming at all—too exhausted.
But I stayed up late last night working on the ”Bread Reel” (Gabe told me he didn’t watch the whole thing--not engaging enough…) and today I slept late and was just being woken by my bladder when Linc burst in.
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When Lincoln thinks I've slept enough, whenever that is, he bursts into my room. He doesn’t peek in, he throws open the door loudly and dramatically and stands in the doorway staring at me. A lot of the time I am already awake. But today I was just barely awake and cranky from being up until 2.
“Lincoln! Go out and close my door!”
“Um, okay but it’s 10:00 Mom”
If I’d had a shoe, I would've thrown it.
The other day I saw a Reel that asked a series of questions: “If you ask God for patience, does he just give it to you? Or does he put you in positions where you can learn patience?
It's like God is telling me with Lincoln: I gave you four different boys and 1 million opportunities to learn patience and it didn't take. So here you go, I'll give you one more boy and several billion more chances. Do you think you can learn patience this time?
Speaking of learning lessons, Karie and I used to tease Laura relentlessly. “Hey Laura, maybe if you could learn to accept help/delegate responsibilities/not take on too much/ask for help…{fill in the blank} you wouldn’t need God to keep teaching you the same lesson over and over again by giving you hard callings! And back problems! And Crohn's Disease!! And {fill in the blank. Laura has been through a LOT of hard stuff}.”
Well, we are brats and Laura has learned her lesson(s). She is not only accepting help, she’s asking for it freely. She not only started delegating her church responsibilities, but she did it of her own free will and choice—willingly and happily.
She actually ASKED TO BE RELEASED FROM HER CALLING! I’ll tell you what, that gave us all a bit of a start. But at least maybe now she can be done learning, right God? She’s finally asking for help! Can she catch a break now?! Can things go back to how they were when we played card games at my kitchen table on January 15th? When life was normal? Please??
{In case they can’t, I’m going to try to co-opt her lessons. I’m going to try to learn all the things along with her so I don’t have to learn them first hand. I’m bad at pain. Please don’t let anyone else I know get cancer!}
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Later: I’m afraid after church I did further damage to my sleep schedule by taking a nap. Usually I have no sleep schedule and I’m a hot mess. But it’s gotten pretty regular since Laura got sick. When she was on steroids and barely sleeping, I’d leave her house around 10 and go home and I’d be too tired to stay awake for more than an hour or two and end up going to bed at a reasonable time. I was getting a solid 8 hours every night and usually between 11:30-7:30. Which is crazy for me!
But the last few days, she’s been so tired that I’ve been going to her house later in the day and leaving earlier at night. Which means I’m sleeping later. Which means at night I’m not as tired and I stay up later. It’s after 11 and here I am journalling instead of sleeping. Dang it.
Some lessons are so so hard to learn! I need to go to bed!!
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