As a good Mormon girl, sex and drugs didn't appeal to me. (Not like anyone was offering anyway, but still...) So, as a good Mormon girl, wanting to be a hellion, but a righteous, church-going one, I thought I'd just try incorporating a few "Bible" swears into my vocab.
I was instantly hooked.
(Don't try this at home, kids!)
H-e-double-hockey-sticks came first. (Probably originally said "H-e-double hockey sticks!")
Then "D-a-m ("Oh no you didn't!" "Oh yes, I did.")...n".
When I left Utah for California and REALLY wanted to shock and awe my new friends with my daring and originality, I pulled out the not so biblical starts with "s-h" ends with "i-t" word. (So sorry Mom.)
College expanded my horizons. And my vocabulary!
Another (seemingly Biblically sanctioned) few words crept in on special occasions:
"Bas_ _ _ _" always got a laugh and so, usually, did the alternate for donkey! (Which I now refer to only as "a-double".)
Life was good. I pierced my ears a few extra times, died my hair unfortunate colors, and swore to my hearts content. (But was otherwise a paragon of virtue. Okay, well there may have also been a little too much NCMO, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, where was I...? Oh yeah...)
Then I met Doug.
And he LOVED ME JUST THE WAY I WAS!!!
In fact, I think he was attracted to my wild potty-mouthed side. (Just like I immediately fell for his nerdy, tennis-playing-side.)
So, obviously, we (quickly) got married and lived happily ever after.
EXCEPT FOR ONE THING!
As soon as the minister said "You may now kiss the bride..."
(there was no minister saying any such thing. Mormon's don't even have ministers.)
...DOUG NIXED THE SWEARING!!!
(Something about not being dragged swiftly down to h-e-double-hockey-sticks by my heathenism...)
OF COURSE, being the loving, adoring, dutiful, submissive wife that I am, I tried (and still try) hard to curb my rebellious tongue. And...
I'm 100% successful in front of the kids.
100% successful in front of most friends and neighbors. (You're such a bad influence Janeen!)
73.2% successful in front of Doug. (Sometimes it's worth it just to see him shake his head at me.)
0% successful in the privacy of my own thoughts.
33.3% successful in front of my siblings. (Doug's and mine.)
and heck, I think I'm just about
100% successful here on this wonderful, PG-rated blog!
(Pretty dad-gummed impressive, if you ask me!)
(And I told you already--I'm not British so "bloody" doesn't count!)
Why am I telling you all this? So that you know that what I'm about to say comes from the deepest part of my soul. And that there is no other way for me to describe to you the sheer expanse of my feelings.
And so you'll reflect, that in comparison, what I'm about to say could be much, MUCH worse. (Okay, not that much worse, but still worse.)
Are you ready?
I just want to say...
...that moving sucks.
(especially across countries and continents.)
And saying good bye to friend, after friend, after friend sucks!
And trying to start a Pediatric dental practice from freakin'** JAPAN is super sucky!!
And while I'm venting, EARTHQUAKES ARE THE SUCKIEST OF ALL!!!
There. I said it. Think of me what you will, Judgey McJudgerson!
*Another super original thing I did was wear a lot of black. Not ALL black like a goth. Just a lot of black t-shirts from the local DAV. And occasionally black nail-polish. Mourning my lost childhood and all that, ya know?!
**I would like the record to show that I have never, ever said the dreaded and diabolical "F" word.
(No, I don't mean FART!)
Oh wait...except that time I told my mom I was about to watch the movie "Huck Finn" and it came out wrong.
And now I must apologize to my mother, mother-in-law, and all of my aunts. Please don't take it personally. It's no reflection on you. I was born this way.
*Doug is shaking his head at the fact that I wrote and published all this on my blog. Poor man...!