Dub Travails. I mean Travels. Part 1

Doug and I just got back from a pretty big, pretty epic trip to Europe. When we started out (and I immediately started overgramming) it became imperative to pick the perfect hashtag. Something to use on all our Instas so that post-trip ChatBooking would be a breeze. Doug came up with #DubTravels. But my mind kept switching it to #DubTravails. I could NOT quit reading it as #DubTravails. So I made him switch it to #DubAdventures.

You see, we took two teenagers with us. (Truth in blogging: One is 12  years 11 months. But close enough.) I wrote this post on two separate occasions while in Europe but thought I would percolate on it a bit before publishing. Doug says it's too negative and only talks about the bad stuff. He's right. The annoying stuff is way more fun to write about. We actually DID have an amazing trip and even these *ehem* painful memories are starting to fade leaving only the good stuff. All the more reason to record this. (Truth in Blogging again!)

tra.vail

noun

1. painful or laborious effort.

synonyms: ordeal, trial, tribulation, trouble, hardship, privation, stress

Three weeks ago
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The thing about traveling with kids is, because you are going out of your way to entertain them in an extraordinary way--usually at great expense--you assume their fundamental personalities will fundamentally alter the minute you set foot outside your house.

But they don't. 

If your kids were a couple of turds before your trip to Disneyland, odds are, if there is any standing or waiting* involved (which there obviously will be because I said Disneyland) their innate turdiness will come out. 

(*And by "standing and waiting" I mean anything that isn't riding a high speed roller coaster. Turns out, this is true even in Europe when roller coasters aren't even an option.)

Such has been the case on what should be the most epic vacation of Max and Sam's relatively short lives. 

Now, because we were in the Airforce stationed in Japan for three years, these kids have been on some cool vacations. But, due to their young ages when we lived over-seas, or possibly their obstreperous personalities, all the details of former trips are fuzzy or forgotten all together. 

It might seem like I'm calling a lot of names here, but that's because I am on vacation with my kids.

Currently, we are in Paris, France. This is my third visit. Doug's second, and Maxwell and Samuel's first visit. 

It was on my last trip (Doug's first) that Paris became one of my favorite cities in all the world. Sure, I haven't been to all the cities in all the world, but I'm assuming most people agree with me on Paris superiority based on the lines we've encountered thus far. 

We arrived yesterday and here are some of the things that have already dripped from my ruby lips:

Stop shoving him.

Stop touching him.

Stop teasing him.

Stop.

Just stop!!

No.

No, you need to wait.

OBVIOUSLY NOT!

Just wait.

Get off that.

Dont open that.

Stop that!

Open that back up!
Be careful!
Watch out!
You're knocking people over with your backpack!!!

Why would you do that?

Slow down.
Come back!

SLOW DOWN!!!

Hurry.

Hurry up.
Catch up!!

HURRRRRRRYYYYY!!!

"Those kids are such big turds."

Here are some things I've heard from my little angels in response:

Ugh.
Ughhhhaaaaaaaahhhh!
Why can't I play a game?
It's fine!
Can I have my phone back? 
Just to take a picture, I'm not going to play a game. 
Why can't I play a game in this line?
Please? 
Why? 
But this is so boring. 
Why? 
Why? 
That's so dumb! 
WHY?!?

 Speaking of games, smart phones, as I think we all realize, are a huge blessing and an even huge-er curse. 

Max just recently inherited my old iPhone six which means Sam inherited my even older (first smart phone ever!), iPhone 4. 
It has about a 24 minute battery life and can support 3 different games that are so out of date they still run. 

Obviously, because we are us, these phones are heavily restricted and regulated. Max has limits on ages, ratings, and maturity levels. As well as no access to the internet nor the ability to install or even uninstall apps. 

Sam's phone is just too old and slow to be fun so it self limits a lot. 

However, this doesn't stop these phones from being more addictive than {insert a highly addictive drug of your choice} to a {insert susceptible consumer of your choice.} 

{Being a Mormon with no experience in these things, I would pick maybe binky and baby which lacks sufficient literary umpfh--which is why I leave it to you...}

For the first two days of our trip, they were pulling their phones out every spare second. 

"Oh, we're in a line?" Phone. 

"Dad stopped to look at a map?" Phone.

"I'm not on a high speed roller coaster--just at the top of the Eiffel tower? So lame!" Phone.

Talks, turning to lectures, turning to threats, didn't work. Phones kept coming out for "pictures" and staying out for games. I'm not trying to be a jerk, I just think maybe the games can wait and they should take in the scenery on their first (and last) trip to Europe!

To be continued..PART 2

Dub Travails Part 2

#DubTravails Part II
Continued from HERE

Which brings us to today.

(Two days later)

Today we took a train to London. 

At the train station, with a 90 minute wait ahead of us, I made them put away their phones. 

"Let's talk! Or play Uno! Or you can read your books...!"

---------

At this point, if you are an anti-smart phone parent, you are thinking what bad parents we are for letting our kids have a phone at all. You're thinking, "It's their own fault the kids are brats! They shouldn't have given them phones in the first place! My little Johnny read War and Peace on our trip to Russia and didn't utter a peep!"

If you are a pro-smart-phones-for-kids parent, you are thinking what bad parents we are for being control freaks and limiting our kids free-will and hampering their ability to make their own choices. You're probably thinking we could make things a lot more pleasant for everyone, including all of the residents of Europe, if we just give the teenagers their stinkin' phones back. You're thinking  "When our son (also coincidentally called little Johnny) went to Six Flags, he was Snap-Chatting the whole time and didn't make a peep! So what if he left with a date he found on Tinder!? He was QUIET!!"

----------

You'll be pleased to know, you're both right. 

We are literally the worst fence-sitters, 

and parents, 

ever.

In the history of the world. 

We know it, 
     our kids definitely know it. 

Just ask 'em.

---------------

So at long last, we board the train (did I mention we missed our train  cause we all slept in and this is the two-hours-later train? Yes. That happened.)

At this point, I've already taken away Sam's phone. He got bored and started playing a game during no game time. 

Now, I confiscate Max's phone. 

"Mom, no! 

Mom, why?! 

Mom, please!!!!

Mom, PLEASE! 

MOM, PLEASE!!!!!!!!"

I was an impenetrable beacon of strength and resolve.
"NO! You WILL look around and notice something on this trip! Even if it kills you!!!"

So they tried to break Doug. He was noticeably weakening and therefore had to abdicate all parenting decisions to me. 

(Insert visual of a tired old Antelope being singled out of the herd by a pair of adolescent lions uncharacteristically cooperating and hunting together with a single Eat-the-Antelope goal...the antelope was so tired from migrating with his kids he probably welcomed the lions...)

The phones were confiscated and the boys given two card games, and their books, and sent to sit down. 

They refused to actually play the games as a form of passive resistance and were forced to read and look out the windows and explore the train. 

I took plenty of pictures of them on my phone so they can later have a record that this painful chapter in their lives was a reality and not some hellish nightmare.  

"This is a hellish nightmare!"

Amazingly, somehow, they managed to survive.

And they may have seen a few glimpses of the Paris countryside.

I say they'll thank me later. 

Doug says they never will.

Either way, I'm calling it a win. 

The "Compass/Level" App can be used in place of a game when in a pinch.

I guess everything in the world doesn't suck.

What do they expect from me? Mr. Bean is my real father.

So the question is: was this entire trip a terrible mistake? Should we have left the little boogers home and brought friends instead?!?! 

Another train ride without cell phone games. They seem to have weathered the storm.

Yes, absolutely. 

Wait, 
     I mean no! A resounding NO!

These kids may not have transformed into perfect angels. And Doug and I haven't (yet) turned into paragons of perfectly patient parents. 

But we are still having fun, and making memories.  

And hopefully, one day, the painful parts will fade, and only the fun stuff will remain...for Doug and I. 

And, ya know...for the kids too.
;)

That's all for now. Cheers and Bonjour!
--

Farewell dinner with our friend Ugo.

Two weeks later:
P.S. We really did have a great trip...and I'm pretty sure Max lets me hug him for 3 seconds now as opposed to the former 1.5 seconds, soooooooo...worth it!!

P.P.S. My mom HATED the word "turd". It was as bad as any swear word--possible worse--in our house growing up. But to me it's the little poop emoji with the smiley face. Totally innocuous and endearing. Who doesn't love the smiley poop emoji??

P.P.P.S. Sorry Mom. Yes, I AM ashamed of myself. Yes, I know I should be more lady-like. Uggghhhhhhaaahhhh!

P.P.P.P.S Would you like the positive version of the trip? Here ya go!!