Life Interrupted

Could just be a list of things we are baking and eating, but  should probably be more than that.

Indicative of my mood: Some blue skies and pretty trees, but also lots of rain clouds,
scattered showers, moderate wind, and a yard full of trash.

"How are you doing?"
What everyone asks and what everyone wants to know. Frankly, now more than ever, it's incredibly relevant because without people asking and cheering and encouraging, we're ALL DOOMED!! (Dramatic much, Emily?)

Usually I answer "Oh, you know...quarantined with five kids and what-not. Homeschooling! Teenagers!" And then we talk and laugh so we don't cry.

March 4. "State of Emergency to exist in California as a result of the threat of COVID-19"

Early in March my friends from our San Francisco days started discussing an upcoming Ski Trip to Vail. Taking place the weekend of March 12th, it had been in the works for months. Doug and I had decided we couldn't/shouldn't/wouldn't attend. Too expensive, to soon after our family vacation, too hard to find a sitter...the list of reasons not to go was long.

Yet, as the time approached, I started feeling seeeeeerious FOMO. One of the couples who would be on the trip tried to talk us in to going. I started thinking about it. I asked Doug if I could fly in for one night. Or maybe two nights. He started thinking maybe we could both sneak away. A family ski trip had recently been cancelled freeing up the vacation budget.
We miraculously secured babysitting. We made plans. We actually bought plane tickets for early in the morning on Friday March 13.

March 11. (Exactly 9 years after the Tohoku Earthquake and Tsunami coincidentally) News reports weren't looking good. People in California were starting to clean out store shelves and Doctors in Utah and Missouri were being told not to leave the state on threat of 2 week quarantine

I was feeling sick to my stomach.

I woke up the morning of the 12th and said a short prayer: "Heavenly Father, should we go on this trip?" The sick feeling remained and a dozen not-good scenarios popped immediately into my head. I called Doug. "I prayed about it. I don't think we should go." He replied "I did too. I don't think we should go either."
We cancelled our tickets and by that night it seemed like the sky was falling. At least in the state of California.

Three couples backed out. Four couples ended up going on the trip and they all had a blast. But by that Sunday, stores and restaurants in the area were closing, and the ski resort shut down the next day.

[At this point in my writing the other day, I was interrupted and had to leave the room. Now it's a few days later and I'm determined to finish this post regardless of how many times a kid walks in.]

March 13. Last day of school for my kids.
(How can I homeschool with no preparation and no warning? How do I manage the tech and the teachers? How do I regulate screen-time? How do I get my husband to help when he has his own plans? What about my senior? Will he still graduate on time? How can I get my teens to step up and be helpful? How can I get my littles to chill out and go with the flow? How do I explain why this is happening and what it all means?)

While the world is unravelling, I am getting into Emergency Preparedness mode. Ever since Japan, I'm pretty paranoid on a normal day. Now, I'm buying #10 cans of White Flour in bulk (24 was the final count I believe--I have since given several away) and ordering massive quantities of Yeast on Amazon. As well as a solar oven--one of the main Prepper essentials I had never bothered to buy. Doug assures me he has plenty of masks at work and we probably won't need them anyway so I don't buy any. "Regrets, I have a few..."

March 18. Last full day of work for my husband.
(How can this actually be happening? Can they actually stop him from working? Is there any way he can safely keep working? How long will our savings last? How long can we pay our bills and our mortgage? How long can we afford to pay the cleaning people to not come? How long can we all be in the same house together without going nuts?)

I request that Doug order a cord of wood. He does and builds a giant structure to keep it dry on the side of the house. Once that is done, he starts an incredibly labor intensive project of painting the Library in the middle of me melting down about homeschooling. No wait, the kids are melting down. I'm still fine at this point. Visitors, vacations, and events have been cancelled as far out as June, and life as we have known it is slowly coming to a grinding halt.

March 22. Governor of California issues a Shelter in Place Order.
(I get a text with the news. I feel a slowly creeping overwhelming feeling of panic. I get up and leave family game night. I immediately text a friend "Can you please pack up and come live with us immediately? I can't do this!!" I start reading news stories and sign up to receive the newspaper for the first time in 8 years.)

In the aftermath of the Earthquake, I did a lot of writing to process my emotions. I wrote a lengthy and fairly dramatic blog post seemingly every day.

This time, I sit down to write and nothing happens. The words don't pop into my head anymore. And even if they did, I only have approximately 3.2 minutes of uninterrupted time before the next kid bursts into the room with a problem only mom can fix. (The four people he passes on his way won't do at all.) (Literally right after typing this, I get interrupted...)

{First Interruption: Gray -Wants Confiscated Nerf Gun back.}

Today I called a friend and she said "How did you know I was sitting in my car hiding from my kids?" Approximately six minutes later, they found her.

I feel like I'm in a Mental Fog and the only rays of sunshine are hopeful Instagram posts from Church Leaders and, ya know...hilarious Internet Memes.
(Jimmy Fallon and John Krasinski are really helping to keep the blues away, too.)
"Schooling" has ebbed and flowed. Some days great effort is expended. Some days I give up in under an hour and we quit for the day. Some days the sun comes out and we all jump on the trampoline. Some days Mom stares out at the rain and wants to cry but doesn't. Those days it's hard not to medicate with carbs but raising my Blood Sugar to diabetic range won't help anyone.

{Second Interruption: Linc wants cuddles. Cuddles duly promised for after bath and before bed. It has officially begun. Once the "Interruption Train" has left the station and the family has collectively noticed my absence by way of bat sonar and The Force, it is only a matter of time before I become the number one tourist destination in our newly constricted Grand Tour.}

I told myself when this all started happening that this time would be different. That this time I would be calm and cool and collected in the face of adversity.

I would NOT lose it at/with/in front of my kids. I would NOT stress my days away and let my negative thoughts run wild.

And this time has been better. I am definitely short tempered some days, but not as bad as in 2011. I have had more moments of calm collectedness. I carve out moments to be with the boys individually. I try to say "yes" to requests even when I'm mentally screaming "GO-AWAY-AND-LEAVE-ME-ALONE-FOR-THE-LOVE-OF-HUMANITY" in my head. I'm reading more bed time stories and morning time stories and middle of the day stories and giving all the cuddles asked for...and not asked for.

But still...there are still those moments of trying to hide from the children and struggling with every fiber of my being not to fight with my newly unemployed husband as he offers suggestions (sometimes helpful, sometimes not) on how we should be doing things around here.

(All while keeping his own schedule, pursing his own projects, and escaping to work periodically for emergency patients. {I escape to my phone and Instagram frequently, I just don't have the benefit of being away from my kids at the same time.})*

I keep telling my children: "This is a crazy situation!! We can come out of it BETTER or WORSE! We can get closer as a family, or farther apart (farther apart sounds great right now.) We can get better at a hobby, or waste time on things of no worth!

{Third Interruption: Linc wants to tell me about his Bathtub epiphany about the fizzy color tabs: You can mix them to make new colors!!}

{Fourth Interruption: Gabe demanding a hug. Not all interruptions are bad.}

(Adding movie of the time lapse I started a few minutes ago when I started working on this post and noticed the pretty clouds)

{Fifth Interruption: Sam is calling my name but my office light is off and he hasn't found me yet...only a matter of time. **5-seconds later** He wants to know if I want to watch "Big Fat Liar" with him. We compromise on "Emma" after littles are in bed. Post Edit: We actually watch "Robin Hood" with Kevin Costner and Snape.}

(Adding accurate dates to post now that I'm no longer taking time-lapse.)

{Sixth Interruption: Linc-his tummy hurts and he does NOT need to go poo-poo. "It's not that!"}

And now I've completely lost my train of thought. Were we done? What was I talking about? I don't even remember!
Oh yeah.
How are we doing?

"We're fine! Ya know...Quarantine Lyfe!"

*I should mention that I truly and passionately love and adore my husband. I appreciate that he painted the Library, planted a garden, does Math and Science with the kids, bakes, takes care of the chickens and a few days ago he even helped me deep clean our closet. If he would just do what I want him to do at every minute of every day it would be perfect! [KIDDING!!] It's fine. (It really is.) We'll be just fine!

{Seventh Interruption: Linc is ready to be tucked in. Doug calls me from downstairs at the same time. And now I'm finished.}

A Few Little/Long-Winded Things

I used to blog a lot, and sometimes I really miss it and really wish I did it more. But Facebook and Instagram are so much quicker and can be done right on my phone, and so it goes...

But once in awhile I miss actually writing and every once in a great while, I make myself write again.
So here, for no reason other than that Doug fell asleep with the remote in his hand, and I can't turn on another show, is a little life update:

On our "new" home:
Since Doug and I have been married, we've lived in three rentals, and three mortgaged homes.
All of those places, I've been able to decorate and make homey-ish. Never super cute or stylish, but I feel like I've always at least had some idea of what I wanted to do, and made some decorating progress, even if I never quite pulled off the final vision. But now here I am, in a home that we "own", with freedom (and even a budget for once!) to do some big-girl decorating, and I'm paralyzed.
I'm stymied.
I'm completely overwhelmed and frustrated and frozen into inaction.
See, this house is it. THE house. There is no timeline on this house. It is not a two-year investment, a three-year military assignment, or a temporary rental-until-we-buy.
We bought.
This is the house.
What I buy, how I decorate...has to last for awhile. A long while.
And I'm at a loss.

I have a few major self-diagnosed problems:
1. I have no clear style.
I like East coast architecture
With classical elements.
But sometimes I really like the look of modern elements.
I like 40's-50's graphic design
and vintage travel posters
and bohemian rugs
and eclectic knic-knacks
and colorful, kid friendly stuff.
But also very light walls and furniture with dark floors and classy botanical stuff framed on the walls.
And then again, industrial modern is cool...
And maybe a teeny tiny bit of mid century modern has leached it's way into my consciousness. But enough with the Eames chairs already! They remind me of bus stops and my elementary school!
*sigh* See the problem?
Oh, and the backyard? Well, we have no clue how to actually make it look nice. So for now we're just focusing on making it fun and boy-friendly. Please feel free to stop by any time and try out our new zip-line!

On 13 year old Max:
I'm too hard on Max. I know I'm too hard on Max. I try not to be.
But even as the words are coming out of my mouth and I'm telling myself "you're being too hard on him" I keep right on talking. (And by talking I mean scolding/lecturing/yelling.) And then after I calm down, I have to apologize and tell him all the great things he does and how much I appreciate him. Because he really is a great kid. He'll spring up to help anyone who needs help, often without being asked. His school teachers love him and often use the word "sweet" when talking about him. He's a great babysitter and a hard worker. And at least for now he doesn't totally hate me.

The other day I was joking that he has a cranky mom and he just has to deal with it. He said "You're not cranky!" with genuine surprise. Then, after a short pause..."Just at dinner time but that's understandable because we're so loud and you're hungry!" That gave me a good laugh. And then I told him he's my favorite kid but not to tell the others that because I'd deny it.

On 10 year old Sam:
Does anyone else have two kids so totally different from each other that you wonder how they both came from the same parents?! (Until you remember that one looks and acts very similar to his father and one looks and acts very similar to his mother?)
Sammy is a lot like me! (Lucky kid!) He thinks deeply and worries excessively.
But not always in a bad way. He is very sensitive and thoughtful to others. He wants people to be safe. He always looks out for his little brothers, (especially Linky-Pie and any and all other babies that come into his range of vision.)
He's a great kid.
He and Max both love Legos and both love to read and I love that they share similar hobbies and interests. Sam however, unlike Max, has a flair for the dramatic. He can often be heard speaking in any number of foreign accents, is in his school "Honor Choir", and has signed up to play a guitar song in the school talent show. (An AC/DC song if you must know. No, I don't approve, but his guitar teacher doesn't seem to know any Erasure!!!) He definitely exercises the right side of his brain regularly and I can seem him finding great joy in music, drama, or art in the future.

On 7 year old Gabe:
Gabe is one of the most imaginative kids I know. About once a day I look for Gabe and find him totally engrossed in a make-believe game. Usually involving imaginary weapons, bad guys, and secret agents with ninja skills. But more often than not, he can be found with his brother Gray acting as "Director of Play". They have a great system worked out: Gabe makes up a game, tells Gray how to play it, and then changes the rules as he goes along to make it more fun (for himself). Gray happily plays along and they have a great time together. If BFF David T. can be there, all the better.
Gabe loves his "Sunshine Room" with multi-colored ceiling fan, having me read Harry Potter to him every night (we're on Book 4), loves reading himself, and loves to draw and write in his journal. Gabe is a happy kid and only whines if you ask him to do anything that isn't one of the fun things listed above. Throw some granola bars and fruit in his direction and he'll keep himself entertained the entire day. (Unless it's one of  his "bottomless pit" days when he wants your undivided attention for 6 straight hours.)

On 4 year old Gray-Gray:
Gray will be five in two days tomorrow (I fell asleep last night before I finished this post) and I've told him that five-year-olds have to say their own bed-time prayers. (He flat-out refuses to say prayers without help, although we all know he's perfectly capable.)
Gray is at a very adorable age right now. And his speech mis-articulations just make him that much cuter. The other night he asked me "Dat him house dat we went to dat udder time Mama?" And "Him put dat in him mouf Mama?" His pronouns are all over the place and it's adorable. Considering our speech history around these parts, I should probably correct him every once in awhile but it's just too darn cute.
Gray's default life mood setting is "Slightly Sad". He'll come bounding out of preschool, laughing and waving good-bye to his friends, leap happily into the car, and when I ask him if he had a fun day, he'll sigh piteously and say "The girls don't play wif me!" (They do.) Or, "No, I'm sooo sick! (*insert exaggerated fake cough*) (He's not)
It seems he feels the need to project sadness to be taken seriously. So I take him very seriously and keep my laughter on the inside. Sometimes he'll crawl into my lap or Doug's and sadly say "I just love you so so so much!" And only to me "I just want to mehwee you when I gwow up and be doggies." Because obviously he wants to marry me, but only if we can both be doggies. Or puppies. Ponies would probably also make the cut. Whatever. I tell him I'll absolutely marry him. We'll sort that out with Freud later.

On 18-month Linky-Pie/Linky-Monster:
My friend Lisa likes to comment that Lincoln is taking years off my life. And she's exactly right. He is. He absolutely is. Lincoln is what you would call "a handful." But only if you wanted to really under-state the situation. From the second he wakes up in the morning, Linky is all over the place. He doesn't want to cuddle, he doesn't want to eat breakfast, he just wants to GO. One of the spots he likes to go, is the middle of the kitchen table. And just recently he learned to climb the tall kitchen barstools so I'm sure soon he'll add "middle of island" to his list of favorite places. He also likes "top of the stairs". Basically, any place he can be in physical danger, while also able to throw things with maximum chance of hearing them shatter. Luckily for him he's got this super awesome blond hair with these little loose curls that are usually a big tangled mess on the back of his head, but sometimes form into perfect ringlets...and so we let him live. All the while, acquiring more wrinkles and gray hairs. *sigh* That LinkyMonster.
Years.
Seriously.

That's it for tonight.
See you again in six months.

Or the next time Doug falls asleep holding the remote.