As a good Mormon girl, sex and drugs didn't appeal to me. (Not like anyone was offering anyway, but still...) So, as a good Mormon girl, wanting to be a hellion, but a righteous, church-going one, I thought I'd just try incorporating a few "Bible" swears into my vocab.
I was instantly hooked.
(Don't try this at home, kids!)
H-e-double-hockey-sticks came first. (Probably originally said "H-e-double hockey sticks!")
Then "D-a-m ("Oh no you didn't!" "Oh yes, I did.")...n".
When I left Utah for California and REALLY wanted to shock and awe my new friends with my daring and originality, I pulled out the not so biblical starts with "s-h" ends with "i-t" word. (So sorry Mom.)
College expanded my horizons. And my vocabulary!
Another (seemingly Biblically sanctioned) few words crept in on special occasions:
"Bas_ _ _ _" always got a laugh and so, usually, did the alternate for donkey! (Which I now refer to only as "a-double".)
Life was good. I pierced my ears a few extra times, died my hair unfortunate colors, and swore to my hearts content. (But was otherwise a paragon of virtue. Okay, well there may have also been a little too much NCMO, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, where was I...? Oh yeah...)
Then I met Doug.
And he LOVED ME JUST THE WAY I WAS!!!
In fact, I think he was attracted to my wild potty-mouthed side. (Just like I immediately fell for his nerdy, tennis-playing-side.)
So, obviously, we (quickly) got married and lived happily ever after.
EXCEPT FOR ONE THING!
As soon as the minister said "You may now kiss the bride..."
(there was no minister saying any such thing. Mormon's don't even have ministers.)
...DOUG NIXED THE SWEARING!!!
(Something about not being dragged swiftly down to h-e-double-hockey-sticks by my heathenism...)
OF COURSE, being the loving, adoring, dutiful, submissive wife that I am, I tried (and still try) hard to curb my rebellious tongue. And...
I'm 100% successful in front of the kids.
100% successful in front of most friends and neighbors. (You're such a bad influence Janeen!)
73.2% successful in front of Doug. (Sometimes it's worth it just to see him shake his head at me.)
0% successful in the privacy of my own thoughts.
33.3% successful in front of my siblings. (Doug's and mine.)
and heck, I think I'm just about
100% successful here on this wonderful, PG-rated blog!
(Pretty dad-gummed impressive, if you ask me!)
(And I told you already--I'm not British so "bloody" doesn't count!)
Why am I telling you all this? So that you know that what I'm about to say comes from the deepest part of my soul. And that there is no other way for me to describe to you the sheer expanse of my feelings.
And so you'll reflect, that in comparison, what I'm about to say could be much, MUCH worse. (Okay, not that much worse, but still worse.)
Are you ready?
I just want to say...
...that moving sucks.
(especially across countries and continents.)
And saying good bye to friend, after friend, after friend sucks!
And trying to start a Pediatric dental practice from freakin'** JAPAN is super sucky!!
And while I'm venting, EARTHQUAKES ARE THE SUCKIEST OF ALL!!!
HA!!!
There. I said it. Think of me what you will, Judgey McJudgerson!
Sincerely,
Emily-Potty Mouth-Dub
*Another super original thing I did was wear a lot of black. Not ALL black like a goth. Just a lot of black t-shirts from the local DAV. And occasionally black nail-polish. Mourning my lost childhood and all that, ya know?!
**I would like the record to show that I have never, ever said the dreaded and diabolical "F" word.
(No, I don't mean FART!)
Oh wait...except that time I told my mom I was about to watch the movie "Huck Finn" and it came out wrong.
---
And now I must apologize to my mother, mother-in-law, and all of my aunts. Please don't take it personally. It's no reflection on you. I was born this way.
*Doug is shaking his head at the fact that I wrote and published all this on my blog. Poor man...!
hahaha! Love this so "flippin" much! Can't wait for you to get here, I will visit--and try to make up for all the times I didn't while you were in Japan!
ReplyDeleteSorry everything sucks!
(i remember organizing your closet once... black t-shirts on one side.. black t-shirts on the other! :)
This is hillarious.
ReplyDeleteI hear ya girl!!!! I was just so happy to be leaving Misawa first before all my friends. And ya, moving sucks. I didn't used to think so until last summer. And even the first little while was alright. It wasn't until it dragged on and on and uncertainty was involved. Hope it will all settle soon!!!
ReplyDeleteI feel like I could have written this post word. for. word. And I am happily 0% successful in my own head too.
ReplyDeleteGood for you girl. And good luck moving!
is suck a bad word? im confused.
ReplyDeleteIt took me forever to decipher your swear words-hahahaha. I still cannot believe you are even my friend.
ReplyDeleteI heart you.
ReplyDeleteLoved this! Thanks for making me smile.
ReplyDeleteAnd good luck with the move!!
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ReplyDeleteYOU CRACK ME UP!!!!!!!! Love you Emily! You crazy son of a biscuit!
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record I couldn't agree more...moving does suck. Moving from Misawa was the suckiest of sucky moves. Poor suckers here are sick of hearing about it...but man MISAWA ROCKED!
Emily, dearest, you made me laugh out loud today. And we loved you just the way you were too. And we were so relieved when you married Doug because he's awesome and we love his nerdy peter preisthood-ness. It's exactly what you needed. And he is, like, ten thousand times better than the other jerk faces you dated and occasionally got engaged to.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record, I've said the f-word, but don't tell my dad.
Just because some of us had issues in high school with testing out certain language does not make us "bad Girls" does it? It does mean somehow it imprinted on those tender brains and now IT means we have to repent ALOT and try again and again to not say certain words every time we run into stuff with cars and/or body parts or deal with obnoxious children. The latest hard one for me lately tends to be one my grandma taught me - Hell's bells! Anna was more than astonished and ashamed that it escaped my lovely lips in front of her. I still blame Dave and Kris. They make it so easy to swear around them. Lisa...not so much. She actually is a good influence concerning appropriate language. So glad Dougie found you so I can vent with the appropriate language at the appropriate time with the appropriate person. T
ReplyDeletehahah! i'm right there with you Aunt Em!
ReplyDeleteEmily-You seriously crack me up with your blog posts. Just so you know your stats on swearing are similar to my stats. Sad to see you guys leave and now I am dreading moving from Misawa next year. Glad you had fun in Hawaii and super jealous that you are moving to California. Hope everything falls smoothly into place for your family.
ReplyDelete